Welcome, my Beloved Minions!
Come warm yourselves by the burning bodies of our mutual enemies. I delight that they smell of cedar, maple, and bacon when alight. Have a flagon of the finest mead the brewlord of Ascendia has to offer. (For those of you unfamiliar, Ascendia is the demi-elemental plane of Awesomeness. One of the few places where both angels and devils are keen to hang out. And usually get along quite swimmingly. Though with the occasional tussle over who is the best at Mario Kart.)
We have a bit to discuss. Saturnalia is approaching, and I’ve been trying to decide what dark gifts to bestow upon my beloved minions. I have kidnapped and extracted a wealth of information from this amateur, Santa, who is foolish enough to keep detailed but unencrypted files. However, they yeild mostly Amazon.com wish lists for “good little girls.” And next to names of boys who’s “good” title had been crossed out, a staggeringly comprehensive list of naughty websites. I am unclear as to the meaning of this code. Most of you minions seem to fall on a third, smaller list cleverly hidden in his snuff pouch, entitled “potential threats to be carefully dealt with.” I congratulate you all.
I went to Saturn himself, but he was simply too drunk to be of any use. He just repeatedly asked if I had any spare children, as he had skipped breakfast.
My fruitless investigation has filled me with an uncharactaristic sense of indecision and uncertainty. How do I reward the greatest minions any narcissistic hedonist overlord could ask for?
So I come to you to make your own wish lists. What would my minions like to see in the coming solar revolution?
I shall compile your suggestions, steep them in the tears of a homonculous that has lost his precious ugliness, distill the resulting brew in the horn of a copper wyrm’s skull, and add cream and sugar. This revelatory potion will be sipped until either inspiration or unconsciousness take me. Or both. And when I awake, your rewards shall begin in earnest.
I have my own list of possibilities, but I shall save them to include with yours for a later discussion where we can cull the weak ideas from the strong.
Now reply. Repost. Email. All of that. Let me know, and we shall reconvene this discussion soon.
-Steve “Ghostbuster of the Christmas Spirit” Argyle